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Home » Blog This

April 13, 2007

The changing nature of the word "friend"

Posted by Ariel Troster at 11:44 AM ET

I've been thinking a lot about the changing nature of the word "friend" in the MySpace/Facebook era. For those of you who haven't become addicted yet, Facebook is a piece of highly sophisticated social networking software that instantly connects you with everyone you already know, and people that you had long forgotten.

The way to expand your social network on Facebook is to add people as "Friends" -- which means you get to see their full profiles, and receive up-to-the-minute updates on how they're feeling, what they're wearing, if they are in a relationship (Facebook sends you these crazy newsflashes when people announce that they are now in a relationship. Creepy).

Anyway, I have been receiving Friend requests from the oddest assortment of people in the last few weeks, as have many of my friends (as in real, live friends, not just interweb friends).

For example, I just received a Friend Request from this guy named Darryl that I used to hang out with when I was 15, simply because he had a car. Can you blame me? I was stuck in Unionville, Ontario. He lived in Newmarket. He used to throw parties where they would actually serve beer. His house was so big, it was like a mansion at Disneyland. Mysteriously, his parents were never home. Once we tried to make out, but it fell flat. He was about half my size, and his closet was full of Metallica and Rush t-shirts.

According to Facebook, he is now a technical writer, living -- guess where -- in Newmarket. His favourite band is -- guess who -- Rush.

I have also recently heard from a girl was was a camp counsellor with me at posh Jewish summer camp when I was 17. She was always a bit aggressive. I figured she was a proto-dyke. But apparently she's straight and into "all forms of full-contact fighting." Her boyfriend looks like he's in the Israeli Army (his Facebook photo features a very large Uzi semi-automatic weapon). She's part of a Facebook group called "Palestine is Not a Real Country." 'Nuff said. I have rejected her Friend request repeatedly.

My friend Rachel is experiencing a rash of Friend Requests from former childhood bullies.

"I don't get it," she writes. "I mean, I've had two childhood bullies friend me, and polite person that I am, friended them back, and then promptly ignored them. And now I have this one completely random guy who mostly ignored me in grade school inviting me to join America's Next Top Model groups. Which is about as opposite from my interests as one can get. And I like to think that I'm at least partially scary! I mean, I have a picture of myself as a zombie. Grrr!"

I have also been "friended" by some gay scenesters that have ignored me at every party I've ever been at, a couple of politicians that I've tried to ignore at every party I've ever been at, oh and my 14-year old cousin who is way more adept in the world of Facebook than I could ever be.

So here's what I wanna know: Is the internet the great bully eraser? Is having a lot of internet "friends" the new social economy? Is it a popularity game just like high school? Is it a way to erase the high school experience, or to extend it into our 20s and 30s and beyond?

Thoughts?

More entries on: Interweb

Previous: Radioactive Shortstops, Goodbye Coke and more Typewriter Geekery
Next: Martel on Harper's reading habits

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Reader comments:

If nothing else, it's hopelessly nostalgic.

The traditional definition of "friend" tends to suggest common interests and experiences. In the absence of shared beliefs, one expects a level of mutual respect. While a child might form friendships based on geographical convenience, what well-adjusted adult has time to reach out to strangers who, 15 or so years ago, may have suffered through the same math class?

I suspect that those who considered their childhoods happier than their adulthoods might feel a need to try to reclaim that time. Otherwise, it has to be a numbers game, which is also a bit sad.

Posted by: sabotabby at April 13, 2007 12:16 PM

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I'm pretty sure Facebook is here to stay (at least in Internet terms) if my 65 year old uncle is on it. I have friends and family members who aren't big web users beyond email and they're all on it. I've reconnected with friends I've not spoken with in years.

I think it's mostly a positive application in that it's nice to look at your network of friends and see people you were friends with twenty years ago and people you're in contact with today. It's like a social history of your own life. In that sense, it's been beneficial to me on a personal level.

On any other level than that, that all remains to be seen.

Posted by: John at April 13, 2007 12:21 PM

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I agree with you that internet networking has some wonderful benefits. I feel more connected to various communities (queer, arts, activist) in Ottawa, I've re-connected with some fabulous people I knew in high school, and some of the online "friending" serves as an excellent ice breaker in real, live social situations.

But it's the compulsive desire to "friend" anyone you ever knew at any point in your life, even if you were sworn enemies at the time, that interests me. Is this a conscious attempt to erase history? Or a giant internet popularity contest?

Posted by: Ariel at April 13, 2007 12:48 PM

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I've been stalling as long as I can vis a vis Facebook. I do have some curiosity about people from my past, but there were a lot more bullies than friends. I wish there was some way to browse the site without actually signing up...

Posted by: shawnsyms at April 13, 2007 01:13 PM

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And the other thing is that I don't really get social networking sites. I mean, "friend" on Livejournal is a bizarre term, but I understand it as "person with relatively interesting blog whom I might invite into my living room." This definition encompasses everyone from close real-life friends to people I've "known" online for a few years but not well enough to guess at their gender.

But the role of blog networks, I think, is to get a window into someone else's head. Social networking sites "connect," which is a more amorphous purpose. You don't get much insight via Facebook itself—just vital stats and the option of further communication—it mainly allows you to collect a set of profiles.

Maybe I'm just too old.

Posted by: sabotabby at April 13, 2007 01:43 PM

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I think it's simply one more medium... and people can use it the way they wish, responsibly or not. On one hand, it's yet another way to be passive-aggressive towards people - far from being a bully-eraser. On the other hand, it really does bring closer together people who never stopped wanting to be in touch.

Posted by: queerasmoi at April 13, 2007 03:09 PM

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It just reminds me sometimes of that quote 'The worst day of your life was just another day to someone else'. That is, I think I remember very clearly all the bullying I got in high school, but I don't think the people who bullied me remember it as such. I suspect they remember it as "fun times" without much detail with regards to me.

Or, as a more recent example, I have (as a joke) set my GoogleChat 'online' message to say "/is a bad wife" because of a nasty email I got from one of my husband's friends.

Just the other day, he pinged me for the first time since that email to say "Who says you're a bad wife?"

I was way too shocked to respond with "You did."

I suspect he doesn't think of telling me how horrible I am as anything other than unimportant.

Posted by: Anna at April 13, 2007 07:30 PM

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The word itself hasn't changed, it's just used to mean something else when on the topic of Internet community sites. The word "friend" doesn't really have a strict boundary definition around it. It can mean anything from that guy you chatted up at a party for two hours, or someone you have known for five years. In it's flexibility, I suppose people begin to call people their friends, even when they don't ever plan on seeing the people again, which brings us to Facebook.
I think Facebook is useless- I know who my friends are, have their phone numbers, and-like you mentioned- do not need to know what they are wearing. As for those who claim it's a tool to meet people, it's about as close to real communication as text messaging. On Facebook, friends become a numbers game. You end up adding people just for the sake of having more people on your list. You may fancy that you'll talk to them again, or "grab a coffee" sometime, but that will never happen because, well, you just don't know the person. My suggestion? Stick to the friends you have and meet new people the old- fashioned way- go outside.

Posted by: Katia at April 14, 2007 08:26 PM

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katia, ariel, with you both all the way...i, through encouragement from my son joined..and after 2 friends and one reject i wiped myself from the virtual pages...it makes little to no sense whatsoever...our friends, as you both said, already knows us...we keep in toch [we have phone #s to prove it]...i imagine this is 'not everybody's cup o' tea' surely not mine...

Posted by: allison at April 14, 2007 10:00 PM

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Just to run counter to the popular opinion... I like Facebook. Why? I feel like my presence online can sometimes be an extension of my social life -- especially when I'm working on a computer nine hours a day. I can check in and see how friends are doing, what is interesting to them, what their plans are for the weekend...

As for meeting new people, it doesn't really happen that way for me. Sometimes I'll meet new people at a party or something and then connect with them on FB... but as for making new friends online, it doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

Posted by: mason at April 15, 2007 11:45 AM

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Yeah, I'm actually with Mason on this one. I find certain elements of Facebook culture kind of puzzling, but I also spend at least 9 hours a day in front of a computer -- this kind of online interaction has helped me make plans with people, find them easily to pass on a message, and also hear a few interesting tidbits about their lives. Although I find Livejournal to be most useful for in-depth discussions with people who are close friends, or with whom I share a specific community or political interest ....

Posted by: ariel at April 15, 2007 04:25 PM

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I think it is calling it a round of the number game or a high-school popularity game is a little backward.
If you haven't matured enough to get over the fact that someone bulied you in your youth enough to reject them on an internet social network (how many years later now?), you are really the one acting like it is still high-school, no?
Good or bad these people are part of your past and you are a part of theirs, making them curious about how you are today.
Just a thought.

Posted by: April at April 16, 2007 05:35 PM

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