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March 19, 2009

Queerly Canadian #8: Sick of talking about gay marriage

Posted by Cate Simpson at 03:55 PM ET

Yesterday a friend in Edinburgh, where I lived until just over a year ago, sent me an invite to a Facebook group started as part of a campaign for marriage equality in Scotland.

I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sick of talking about gay marriage. Especially now that I live in Canada, where it passed four years ago. I wish the rest of the world would cut the crap and stop holding out on us, so we can all get on with our lives. Gay and trans kids are still being beaten up in school, queers have less than equal access to healthcare, and Canadian same-sex couples might be able to get hitched but that doesn't mean their families are always willing to stand at their sides at the ceremony.

The point is, we have other things we need to be talking about. There are other campaigns to start and wars to wage and — as Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore has often (and eloquently) pointed out — the campaign for gay marriage sets those fights back years in its zeal to make queer relationships seem as "normal" and hetero as possible.

But here's the thing. Queers are not going to dismantle the institution of marriage by refusing to care very much about it. And all we achieve by trying is confirming the attitude that American Defense of Marriage clauses and civil partnership stop-gaps reflect: that our relationships are less legitimate, less permanent, less important. States that don't allow for same-sex marriage fail to do so because there is homophobia in those states. But that causal chain goes both ways. DOMA and Civil Partnership clauses are state-sponsored homophobia. Why should individuals confront their own prejudice when it comes with a government stamp?

We can't get started on discussions of healthcare, shelter, and the oppressive aspects of marriage itself when we live in a state that doesn't even recognise our right to full equality under the law.

We have gay marriage in Canada. That's pretty awesome, and I think our society is better for it. But that doesn't mean that, as Canadians, we're done. If we can throw parties and hug and cry and rejoice over the election of an American president, if we accept that America's reach is wide enough to have that kind of impact on our lives, then we better be ready to pitch in next to those in California whose marriages were unceremoniously anulled on the same night. We can't share in the joy of other countries' progress and then remain quietly superior when they fall short.

There is weight to some of the arguments against marriage from within the queer community. Marriage is a flawed institution, and it's got some serious historical baggage. But we don't have to get married. And if we do, we don't have to get married with one person in white and the other in a tux. We don't have to have one partner who works in an office while the other stays home. We don't have to buy marriage lock, stock, and picket fence. But we do need the right to do so.

More entries on: Queerly Canadian

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