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April 22, 2009

ThisAbility #24: Domesticity with a Disability

Posted by Aaron Broverman at 10:26 AM ET

Ever notice that when you combine the words domestic and toxicity, you get domesticity? Well, I'm chock full of 'domesticity'. I know first hand what happens when extreme heat is applied to a ceramic plate. You can literally hear it wane before it bursts into a million lethal shards and invades the tile island of your kitchenette. Now there is a blood river on my floor, thanks to that new deep gash on the bottom of my foot. Time to get a girlfriend, no? That, or at least an able-bodied roommate to bail me out.

That's by far the worst domestic disaster I've ever been at the centre of, so far. Much is written about inaccessibility in the disabled world, but I've never seen anything about how a disability affects your domestic aptitude.

Some might attribute my lack of finesse in this area to the fact that I'm a guy, but there are a lot of guys,even guys with disabilities, who can pull off wonders in the kitchen. For me, whatever I cook is about my own survival and saving money, not presentation. The bottom line is never whether I cooked it from scratch, but how soon I can digest it. The more complex the recipe, the more the preparation cuts into my eating time. I'd be kind of lying though if I didn't admit that my disability didn't affect my skill in the kitchen. Hell, there's a whole profession built around teaching people with disabilities the lifeskills necessary for daily living.

Occupational therapists [O.T.] taught me how to dress myself in preschool, and I remember them touring the kitchen at my parents house figuring out ways to help me bend down and transfer cookie sheets from the oven to the centre island without losing my balance. I forget what we came up with, but whatever it was, it wasn't good enough to stick. Though my balance is better now than it was at the time, and I could probably pull off baking the way my kitchen is configured, I still don't bake. The convenience of the bakery section is just too irresistible and though homemade baked goods have that nostalgic familial quality every time you bite into them, I can generally take them or leave them. Somewhere deep down, (really deep) I probably still fear the potential for my own Hansel and Gretel moment. It's like an adult version of that time you were a toddler and you were resistant to using the 'Big Boy Potty' because you were afraid you'd fall in, and just as irrational.

Most of the domestic tricks I learned didn't come from an O.T., but are just part of living, learning, and knowing older people with similar disabilities who already figured stuff out for themselves. For example, if I need to cross the room to take a glass of juice to my desk, I use a plastic cup with a lid on it to avoid spillage. I can transfer plates and bowls very easily, but sometimes the level of minute concentration that goes into keeping the plate flat and balanced is higher and more deliberate for me than for the average person. Technology helps too. I have very lttle of it, but it makes a big difference. Things like the One-Touch Jar Opener and an electric can opener saves me copious amounts of time.

A lot of my deficiency in the kitchen has to do with how I was raised. My younger brother is able-bodied and he became the de facto chore monkey in our household, so all the skill in the kitchen that mothers naturally pass to their children went to him. Not that I was totally incapable of cooking something had she bothered to teach me, but perception of ability (or lack thereof) went a long way in my household. A long time ago, mom decided to choose efficiency and speed for what she needed done around the house rather than use the work as a learning opportunity that may have served my longterm development and growth.

To be fair, I wasn't the most enthusiastic advocate for my development in this particular regard. My younger self milked my perceived lack of culinary ability for all it was worth to get out of any household chores that no one was making me do. As a result, any cooking skills I ended up with, came thanks to my grade 8 cooking class. Sure, I did contribute some at home. I loaded the dishes every night and did my own laundry, but when it came to meal time, I was always relegated to the menial prep tasks like washing lettuce. Obviously, I'm paying for it now, so to all parents of kids with disabilities, please teach your child all the culinary skills you have that were ever passed down from previous generations. The finished product may not look as good as you would like and it may take double the time it would if the able-bodied kid in your family did it, but your offspring with the disability will thank you in the long run.

As for the other domestic chores, spilling fabric softner can be avoided with either a Downy Ball or some Dryer Balls. Also, liquid soap comes in lighter containers than powdered soap, but if you only have powdered soap and your laundry room is down the hall, a cup with a lid works well for transport.

By far the biggest key to keeping my place clean is my wonderful cleaning lady. Mine comes once every two weeks. I just hired her this year (too proud to relent and ask for help in previous years) and she has been manna from heaven so far. I found that the constant bending required for vacuuming and cleaning the washroom really put stress on my lower back. I could never really put my sheets back on my bed and have them stay there for very long and there are countless odds and sods I have no hope of doing myself, like hanging pictures. After initial skepticism, I went to Craigslist to find Angela, and now I highly recommend it.

My last bit of advice is don't be afraid to hire help when you need it. Too many men seem to rely on their significant others to maintain their household. Look at it this way, if a third party takes care of it, you reduce the potential for argument and have lots of time for other extracurricular activities.

Aaron is a freelance journalist living in Toronto. His work has appeared in Financial Post Business, Investment Executive Newspaper, and TV Week Magazine, along with Askmen.com. He is a regular contributor to Abilities Magazine and is currently plotting a weekly web comic called GIMP, with artist Jon Duguay, about a handicap school bus driver who wakes up after a crash to find he's the last able-bodied person on earth — and he's being hunted. Email: aaron.broverman@gmail.com

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